The upbringing of a teenager is different from young children. Indeed, in fact, these are already formed personalities that grow up every day and develop. This is evidenced not only by changes in their appearance, figure, but also in behavior.
Most children at the age of 14 become uncontrollable, stubborn, become self-enclosed. And this is the omission of parents who missed the moment when their child has matured. To avoid problems with a teenager, you should know what mistakes should not be made in raising a daughter, a son, and what advice from a psychologist should be noted.
Adolescence is the most difficult period in the lives of children and their parents. At this age, the child experiences the first emotions, falls in love, manifests himself as a person. These attempts are not always successful. Therefore, despite the fact that children want to appear independent, independent, they still need parental support, understanding and love.
This difficult period lasts more than one year. Therefore, it is appropriate to distinguish it into three stages and consider each of them in more detail:
- 11-14 years - an early period. It can be called transitional, because it is at this age that two principles, the children's and the adult, struggle within the child. The son or daughter is already kind of like adults, but in their behavior slips and children's traits.
During this period, children are especially sensitive to criticism from the outside, very dependent on the opinions of others. They spend more time with friends with whom they have common interests. As for school performance, it can be reduced due to inhibition of the processes responsible for memory and attention.
- 14–16 years is an average period. For a teenager of 15 years, excessive emotionality is characteristic, the desire to be important and significant. At this age, rash acts are often committed, the child may be influenced by society. Therefore, such changes in his behavior as detachment, isolation should not be left without parental attention.
- 16–17 years is a late period. The child becomes an adult and this is evidenced by his actions. After all, less and less rash steps are being taken, there is awareness and responsibility. It is at the age of 16-17 that most teenagers graduate from school and face the difficult choice on which their fate depends. At this point, parents should be support and support.
Features of raising boys
A 14-year-old child requires attention, looking for support in the face of mom or dad. But not all parents understand this. In their opinion, in order to grow a real man, you need to make him strong, independent, able to cope with his problems alone.
The result of this position is usually deplorable. After all, the child is without support and is looking for her anywhere, but not at home. This is fraught with a connection with bad companies, immoral behavior and this is not the worst of everything that can happen to him.
In order to make a man out of a boy, you need to pay attention to what is the upbringing of adolescents, typical mistakes of parents that can cripple the psyche. Only by excluding them, you can raise a boy happy, caring, understanding and courageous. Therefore, parents should not:
- Take the whip method as the basis of upbringing. Nothing good will come of it. By prohibiting a child from everything that his peers have access to, one can create in him embitterment throughout the world. In addition to the respect that parents want to cultivate in him, they will receive hatred and fear. Freed from such custody, the boy can rush to the worst of his ability to catch up. There will be no positive memories of youth, which could have been remembered in old age.
- Exercise excessive care, patronize and protect the boy from everything and everyone. This mistake is made by mothers of children who have single-parent families. In this way, they try to finish the love that the child did not receive from his father. If you don’t stop in time, and you need to do this before the boy is 14 years old, then instead of raising a man, he will be able to make the child dependent on his mother, who solves all his problems, deals with offenders, and decides fate.
- Resort to comparison. In adolescence, all children are different. Someone is locked in himself, and someone becomes open to everything new. The mistake of parents is the constant comparison of their offspring with their peers. Such attacks can shake self-confidence, the child will begin to imitate the standard, and lose himself. In no case can you compare your child, on the contrary, he needs to instill confidence that he will succeed, he will overcome difficulties, receive an excellent education and become a successful person.
- Contradict yourself. If a father teaches his son to protect girls, to yield to them, and he himself offends, beats his mother before his very eyes, then the teenager will transfer this model of behavior to his family in the future. The same applies to the doctrine of morality, talking about the fact that stealing is bad, while, for example, something is brought from work illegally.
To grow a man from his son, you need to show him the example of the pope, what he should be. All other arguments will be in vain. After all, they do not correspond to the example that a teenager observes daily.
Features of raising a girl
Raising a teenage girl has some differences from the boyish. But still at fourteen, the girl needs love and understanding from her parents, and especially my mother. In this matter, you should consider the advice to parents regarding what mistakes should not be made:
- Raise in severity. Parents, fearing that their daughter will get in touch with a bad company, will begin a sexual life early, which can lead to an early pregnancy, try to protect their child from all this. Therefore, they load it with all kinds of household chores, studies and other things. In this case, the model of behavior more closely resembles not the family, but the boss and subordinate. The girl does not feel protected, loved, and begins to look for support in strangers.
- Allow everything, pamper and indulge whims. If parents raise their daughter in this way, then they should be prepared for the fact that soon her requests will increase, and any refusal will be perceived as a betrayal. From such a girl, a woman will grow up who does not show respect for people, cares only about her own good. And first of all, the parents themselves will suffer from such an upbringing.
- Criticize the child. There is nothing worse than low self-esteem that can cripple a lifetime. Paternal criticism, which in the future may result in hatred for the entire male sex, is especially acute. But praise for achievements, affection and care will help to grow a self-confident woman from a little girl.
- Too frank. Despite the fact that many psychologists advise parents to make friends with daughters in their teens, this idea is only half successful. If a child shares his experiences, seeks advice from his parents - this is one thing, and when a mother crosses all boundaries and begins too frank intimate conversations - this can injure the child's psyche.
The consequences will soon appear, in the form of isolation of the daughter, the desire to avoid talking with mom, and she will be forced to look for questions of interest to herself.
A successful and happy woman is the merit of the parents, who at one time knew how to raise a teenage girl, and retained warm and tender feelings. But it costs a lot.
Features of adolescence
The long-awaited moment when a teenager enters adult life is preceded by an ambiguous period of personality formation. The duration of this developmental stage is approximately 7 years. Eleven-year age - the beginning of a sharp change in the mental component of a teenager, the intensive formation of physical parameters of the body. A significant jump in growth is comparable to the lightning-fast development of the fetus from conception to 2 years.
The angular figure of a teenager, due to some awkwardness, the lack of clear proportions, is an indicator of the rapid growth of the skeleton, beyond which muscle tissue does not have time to develop. A significant increase in the volume of the heart muscle and lungs allows breathing to be deep and to fulfill the main task: to provide oxygen to a growing, young body. The general condition of a teenager is subject to pressure fluctuations, which provokes a headache.
Reconstructing at the level of hormones, the body of a young man is on the path to puberty. The increase in the number of estrogens in girls, the amount of testosterone in young men is the norm during adulthood.
Androgens, the level of which is also growing, contribute to the formation of secondary sexual characteristics. What do all these changes lead to?
From a medical point of view, the above processes give rise to a completely justifiable and understandable change in mood, make the emotional background unstable, cause an increase in excitability, sometimes accompanied by an extreme degree of impulsivity.
Depression can also be a consequence of adolescence, namely, aggressive actions, a sense of anxiety, and behavior problems.
Teenagers give paramount importance to relationships with peers. Trying on completely different social roles, a child at this age is in an active search for his own awareness. The worldview formed by society, an irresistible desire to understand oneself - all this causes contradictions, a problematic perception of situations.
Early adolescence: from 10-11 to 14 years of life
This period is regarded by experts as an intermediate component between the last days of childhood and the upcoming adulthood. An irresistible desire to become part of the world of the “fathers” is so strong that the central part in life begins to occupy society, namely: peers.
At the physiology level, everything is pretty clear. The cerebral cortex can no longer control the subcortical processes, the control weakens and the adolescent is simply not able to answer for emotions. All reactions proceed rather slowly, hence the misunderstanding between adults and children, because there is no longer instant obedience, unquestioning obedience, and the answer to the question does not immediately follow.
Changes in the psychological component occur in interaction with memory, which at this stage is weakening, and thinking. Sensitivity to the opinion of the teenager surrounding people increases, which entails an extreme degree of resentment. Some guys are ready to keep silent, with bated feelings, others - rebel, demonstrate the rejection of all norms.
Mid-teens: 14 to 16-17
14 years is a time of graduation of moral attitudes along with social ones. Doubting, committing acts in the likeness of elders, the teenager is absolutely not sure until the end, therefore, at the slightest request, he shows his motives, rudeness, accompanied by irritability, stubbornness, resulting in disobedience.
The sense of peace through self-perception sometimes leads to extremes. Excessive solitude, constant loneliness - a signal for parents. This does not mean that reflecting in silence is life-threatening, but the systemic nature of this should alert.
Sometimes some adolescents, under the pressure of social circumstances, do not show the desired emotions, while others adhere to extremes. For example, often a child convicts adults of a lie, inability to restrain these words.
Rejection by teenagers of the opinions of “fathers” saddens adults. It happens that violent irritability is associated with an obsessive opinion about following in the footsteps of parents. The tactics on the part of adults are losing, because they cause a protest, which can end in scandal, and sometimes leaving the walls of the house.
What psychologists advise
Parents should share a difficult period in the life of a teenager with him. But this should not be perseverance, strict control, spontaneous interference in his affairs. Any parent who has a connection with the child will feel his condition, and a silent request for help. Starting from 11-14 years old, parents should:
- As much as possible to devote to the child. Despite the fact that the circle of his friends becomes wider every year, he needs communication with his parents. They should know as much as possible about the life of the child, just as he about them.
Therefore, you should not avoid asked questions, because if they followed, then they matter to the interlocutor. Through dialogue, you can learn a lot about the life of a child: who are his friends, what are his hobbies, problems, joys.
- In addition to communicating with the child, you need to spend time. Joint outings to the stadium, to the forest, to the cafe should bring pleasure to both sides.
- Parents should share the interests of the child (in reasonable measures). Do not express your opinion, which differs from the children's one, regarding his style, preferences, and music. A son (daughter) at the age of 14 is an adult who has his own tastes and beliefs. And he will be pleased to share all this with his closest people.
- With a child you need to communicate as an adult. He should have his responsibilities at home, help parents. And they, in turn, should become an example of an ideal family, in which the child will always want to return. After all, what could be better than a house in which it is warm and cozy, where parents love each other, respect, and in any situation support the child, will not be left alone with their problems.
Children at any age need understanding, and adolescents most of all. Indeed, during this period a lot of changes take place in themselves, with which they cannot always cope independently. And their estrangement from their parents does not mean that they no longer need their support and help.
Perhaps they need advice more than ever, a strong hug, but they just don’t know how to demonstrate it. Therefore, the attention on the part of parents should be as extreme as ever. It is important to show the teenager that he is loved, dear to his family, perhaps these basic things will help to survive this period easier, not to do stupid things that you will have to regret.
Late adolescence: from 16-17 years to adulthood
The behavior of adolescents at the stage of 16 years is subject to their self-regulation. Values gradually begin to be arranged in a hierarchical order. Motives that encourage reflection and comprehension form a partial understanding of existing legislation in the adult world, which will have to be adopted.
17 years is the age of choice, which is not easy for a teenager to make. Fear of making a mistake, not coping with the tasks leads to passivity in actions, evasion. The turning point is at the end of school education. The society puts pressure on professional self-determination, and the teenager is confused.
The tendency to be in deep thought, youthful fear of bankruptcy - all these are the features of a teenager at 17 years old. Excessive custody of parents, relentless vigil over the life of a child, dictates are capable of creating uncertainty in a doubting child, which will gradually develop into stiffness.
What are the difficulties in education?
Difficulties in organizing the educational process for children are overcome by adults: mothers and fathers. By making demands, a parent may fall into trouble if he himself does not comply with the attitudes set by the children.Adults, who are an example that do not differ in words and deeds, cope with the educational task easier.
Not shown by parents at the proper level care for their children in the first years of life, when maternal affection and paternal support are so necessary, causes difficulties in education.
The dominance in the hierarchy of values of the parents of the career distorts the teenager's idea of the family, and therefore family ties are weakening, and the children are estranged.
Custody on the verge of parental insanity suffocates on the teenager. If care was also manifested in childhood, then these are emotions familiar to children. In the case when parents over the years have come to realize the insolvency of both mom and dad, then, having realized himself zealously, one can come across a protest.
Common Parent Mistakes in Raising Teenage Sons
For some reason, it is customary in society to consider that educational position with respect to young men, when only a severe drill can form a real man in every sense. And the experience gained by the fathers from their parents when such a dictatorship left only a broken and crippled youth in their memories is not taken into account.
Of course, that masculinity is instilled in childhood. But only by depriving the boy of manifestations of affection, feelings of parental love, attention to his world, you can raise a cruel and insensitive man. It also happens that the adult's obsessive desire to grow a young man according to his own model dominates, and individual characteristics are not taken into account.
The exclamation is dangerous: “You are the future man!” The child undergoes changes in the psyche as he grows up, so masculinity is formed gradually, and the manifestation of certain “weaknesses” is permissible for everyone. If an adult is inconsistent in the educational process: indulges or falls into fierce punishment, then you will not have to wait for a positive result.
Quarrels between father and mother, in front of a growing son, will eventually become a cause of violence against women. The same indicator lies in the inconsistency of the actions of mom and dad in raising a son.
Complicating with peers, emphasizing on unacceptable behavior, imposing negative attitudes is detrimental to the formation of a young man. Abuse of the intellectual development of the youth to the detriment of the physical is unacceptable.
Common Parent Mistakes in Raising Teenage Daughters
Parental mistakes in the organization of the educational process in relation to daughters are also obvious. Errors are made when strictness is the best lever of influence on a quick teenager. The so-called mittens, hedgehogs, will never have an effect if the girl does not receive more well-deserved tenderness, paternal care, and maternal guardianship.
If the father or mother are categorical, inexorable, and only do that they give orders that are not subject to discussion, then the daughter, being locked in herself from rejection of her personality, harbors a grudge against the male sex as a whole.
The other side of the coin is manifested in the upbringing, when the parents raise the daughter to the pedestal. Turning a child’s hyper-custody life into a fairy tale, a mistake is made that can cost a daughter a lot in the future. Permissiveness in conditions of such upbringing distorts the perception of the world, forms the feeling that everything is created only for the child, and if you want, you can easily get everything.
The position when the daughter is a friend, the comrade-in-arms is defective, and, first of all, for the girl growing up. Maternal willfulness in the discussion of any issues, including intimate ones, will break the fragile children's psyche. Excessive secret criticism of the father’s behavior can also serve as an obstacle in relations with men in the future.
Some parents resist the birth of their daughter without accepting the gift of fate. Therefore, they take the responsibility to raise from the daughter of a masculine offspring, in which they secretly want to see their son. Despite the resistance, they take all efforts in this blasphemous deed of education.
Parents often believe that when a child is small, he needs anxious care, maximum attention. And indeed it is. Here are just a teenager during puberty resembles a baby who is helpless and lonely. As it does not seem healthy to leave the baby unattended, it is impossible to leave the child on the long path of becoming an adult.
Dialogue is the best speech interaction with a teenager, since neither democracy nor dictates are able to fully satisfy the need for communication between close people. Knowing the child’s social circle, the problems that occupy his head, the parent shows his participation from the life of his beloved child. Caution in assessing the appearance of the child, his interests will earn respect from the adolescent.
The period of transition from childhood to the adult world is marked by a heart-rending feeling of loneliness. It is at this stage that the teenager needs to communicate, namely: to speak out and be heard. However, do not encourage child misconduct. For this, again, it is worth resorting to a dialogue.
An example set by the parent himself when the use of swear words, condemning speeches, revealing facts addressed to other people is not welcomed and not promoted in the family is the best way to educate a worthy person.
3. Surprise - it will be remembered!
One who makes an unexpected and strong impression becomes interesting and authoritative.
What attracts a child in adulthood? Strength - but not violence. Knowledge - remember, for example, the eternal "why?" In babies. What share of them were you able to clearly and fully answer? Mind - it is precisely in adolescence that it becomes possible to evaluate it.
Skills are also attracted - dad knows how to ski, fix TV, drive a car, and mom draws, prepares delicious pies, tells fairy tales ... Appearance - girls appreciate him more.
The life of parents, their habits, their views have a much greater impact on the child than long moralizing conversations. Equally important for adolescents are your income. If you are competitive in this area, think in advance what you can put on the other side of the scale when your older child puts you in front of this problem.
Period of high neuroplasticity
Neuroscientists have long known that the brain of a small child is incredibly plastic, that is, it easily and quickly transforms under the influence of external circumstances. That is why the formation of the most important abilities, skills and habits depends on the conditions in which children grow up.
Recent studies have shown that with the onset of maturity, the human brain can also develop, but its plasticity becomes minimal. But in adolescence, it is still very large. Sometimes a transition period is the last chance to create and strengthen neural connections that will have an impact on the rest of life.
1. Scolding and scolding a teenager - the most meaningless activities
After reading the next lecture to the child or yelling at him, you will not get any result, except negative. He will move further away from you. Whenever you are tempted to do this, imagine yourself in its place. What will you do if someone yells at you? At first you feel insult, aggression, a desire to cry or answer, and in the end, stop communicating with this person. So why do you think that your cry should have a therapeutic effect on your child? Sooner or later, the child ceases to hear you and closes.
There is only one conclusion: such a model of communication is ineffective primarily for you.
4. Do you want your child to be strong and healthy?
Then learn for yourself and teach him the basics of knowledge about his body, about ways to maintain and strengthen health.
This does not mean that you should master the arsenal of the doctor and the appointment of various drugs. Medication is just an ambulance in cases where the body cannot cope on its own. Tissot also claimed: “A movement as such can in its action replace all medicines, but all the remedies of the world are not able to replace the effects of movement.”
The main thing is to teach the body how to cope with stresses, primarily physical ones, because they train not only muscles, but also all vital systems. This work is considerable and regular, but for that man is given “a feeling of muscle joy”, as the great doctor and teacher P.F. called this feeling almost a hundred years ago. Lesgaft. Of course, physical and any other stress should be appropriate for the age-related capabilities of the child.
By the way, only physical exercises, including those at physical education classes, can mitigate the harm from sitting for hours at a desk. So do not rush to free the child from physical education. This will not bring him even temporary relief in a busy school life. Even if he has a chronic disease (and even more so!), He needs to engage in physical education, only under a special program.
And it is absolutely essential that the child understands: there is no happiness without health.
2. Children fear parental reactions
Learn not to displease your child and remove criticism. Absolutely! A teenager always feels when you do not like something and when you are unhappy with it. Even if you are silent. And if you react negatively to everything, he begins to experience anxiety. First, he ceases to trust you, and then perceive you. And he will find you a replacement.
Children want to talk to us. But on those topics that are really interesting to them. And then, when they feel that we approve of them. But we reduce communication with them to explicit or hidden teachings, losing over time the authority in their eyes. Love your children as they are, and do not demand the impossible from them.
Craving for pleasure and self-control system
It is very important to understand which areas of the brain are plastic in a teenager. By the way, here lies the reason for inappropriate behavior. The fact is that the teenager is actively developing the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex.
The first is responsible for emotions and a sense of pleasure. Under the influence of sex hormones, it becomes very sensitive. This makes the teenager impulsive, makes him constantly seek out fresh experiences and even risk his health for the sake of what brings momentary joy.
As a rule, teenagers are aware of the negative consequences, but cannot resist the powerful signals coming from the limbic system. Yielding to temptation, the child experiences real euphoria, so that henceforth it becomes even more difficult for him to control his behavior. In this case, stable neural connections are formed in the brain: this is how habits arise. That is why it is much more difficult for a person who started smoking as a teenager to fight addiction than someone who tried the first cigarette when he was 25 years old.
Fortunately, we have a mechanism to control emotions and behavior. The prefrontal cortex is the CEO of the brain. Thanks to her, we are able to abandon the impulsive act, postpone pleasure for later, think everything over and make a balanced decision. The catch is that in adolescents this area is still underdeveloped. Add a hypersensitive limbic system and you will understand why teenagers are so poorly controlled.
You cannot change the processes occurring in the limbic system of a teenager, but you can protect your child from negative factors and potential risks as much as possible. This is your first task. The second is to create favorable conditions for the development of the self-control skill.
Remember: neuroplasticity means that the brain of a teenager responds equally well to both negative and positive effects.
5. How much time per week do you spend with your children?
According to opinion polls, most adults on average devote to children no more than 1.5 hours a week! How in this short space to accommodate heart-to-heart talk, going to the theater and the outdoors, reading books and other common things?
Of course, this is not the fault, but the misfortune of most parents who have to spend all day at work to fill the family budget. But children should not be left to their own devices. It is good if there are grandparents who are able to take on some of the problems of education. And if they are not?
Be sure to think about what your child will do during hours that are free from study and lesson preparation. Sports sections (do not forget to talk to the trainer yourself) will not only take time, but will help to strengthen health and develop motor skills. In the house of children's creativity you can learn to sew, build airplanes, write poetry. Let the child have the freedom to choose an occupation, but he must know for sure: he has no time for idleness and boredom.
3. If there is no problem, say “Stop!”
Ask yourself a question and honestly answer it: do you just don’t like something in the child or is this really a problem? For example, if a child dyed his hair green, few would like it. But is this a problem? Does this threaten the life of the child? This is just a way of self-expression, and the vast majority of adolescents go through this period. I realized in time that there are far-fetched problems, and there are real ones.
The secret to life success
What distinguishes successful people from everyone else? As shown by numerous studies, conquering the peaks does not help talent or high IQ. What a person’s life will be is much more affected by his ability to self-control.
Even 50 years ago, scientists conducted an experiment, which today is widely known as a test for delayed pleasure. Researchers suggested that children eat a sweet treat immediately or wait a bit and get two treats instead of one. Not everyone succeeded in showing willpower.
After this test, children continued to be watched. Those subjects who were able to wait for the award, later studied better, had less emotional and behavioral problems, had a higher self-esteem and faster career success.
If you think about it, there is nothing surprising. Anyone who is able to give up momentary pleasure for the sake of a distant goal is more likely to force himself to study before an exam, work on an important project or train in the gym. This does not mean that he does not want to lie on the couch, watch his favorite series or go to a party. He just knows how to resist temptations.
As we have already found out, the ability to regulate one’s behavior is formed in adolescence. It is this skill that allows you to resist the negative environmental influences that teenagers are so susceptible to. That is why it is so important that parents help the child develop self-control.
6. Take care of your child’s health and your own, learn to play sports with him, go on vacation, go hiking
What delight does the child experience from a regular sausage fried on a bonfire, from a crumbled piece of black bread, which was found in a bag after returning from the forest, where you gathered mushrooms together.
And the day spent in the garage with his father over the repair of the car will seem like a holiday to the boy more important than riding in the park on the most “cool” attraction. Just do not miss the moment while it is interesting for the child.
The same goes for domestic habits. The little one is interested in washing the dishes himself, peeling potatoes, and baking a pie with his mother. And this is also an opportunity to talk, talk, listen. We missed this moment - “saved” the child so as not to get his hands dirty, all - they lost the assistant forever.
Three rules of education
According to psychologists, parents whose children show a high level of self-control have something in common: they all follow the three most important principles of education.
1. Show love. The child should be comfortable and calm in this world. And the teenager needs to feel your support. Be gentle and attentive to him, take an active part in his life, praise, be interested in problems and respond to the emotional needs of the child. Do not be afraid to overdo it with affection. Friendly pats, hugs and kisses are absolutely normal.
Be consistent: you will only confuse the teenager if you punish him for misconduct today, and after a week in a similar situation keep silent. You should not set new rules every day. They can be changed when it is really necessary, for example, if a teenager has matured, and your requirements have already lost relevance. In case of disobedience, aggression and irritability must not be shown: do not humiliate the child, do not scream or use physical force.
3. Gradually loosen control. To make the child independent, give him a little more freedom step by step. Let the teenager feel that he is able to control his behavior without your help. If everything works out, praise him for his responsibility. If unsuccessful, explain how to avoid mistakes the next time.
Remember: it is important to follow all three principles. They act only in combination with each other. If you show love, but do not set the rules, the teenager will not understand how to behave. If you control his every step and do not give freedom at all, he will not learn self-control.
4. If the problem really is - set a specific and feasible task
For example, if I understand that my daughter will never become an excellent student, I will not set before her and myself the task of making her an excellent student in any way. This is stupid. Each has its own abilities and capabilities. I will set the task to improve the grades that she has now. No need to expect from the child what he is unable to do.
How else to develop the skill of self-regulation? There are several methods that even adults successfully use. For example, conscious meditation. She teaches to concentrate on the current moment and not pay attention to distractions. Forcing himself to be present "here and now", a person becomes more focused, begins to better control their own thoughts and emotions.
Exercising is also an effective way to strengthen self-control. As the observations of scientists show, team sports are especially effective.
The third method will teach the child to achieve goals and not go out of the way. Let the teenager provide in detail how his life will change if he manages to achieve what he wants. The picture should be very bright and detailed. Then he needs to think about potential obstacles and write down specific strategies for dealing with temptation.
When the teenager begins to implement the plan, let him often remind himself of the future, which he presented at the first stage, and when faced with difficulties, apply strategies from his list. These actions will not only increase the chances of success, but also help to train willpower and the ability to self-control.
5. Tasks are divided into simple and complex
Parents can solve simple tasks without the participation of a child. They are called complex when the child also has to do something. To solve a difficult task, it is necessary that the child agrees with this task. If he does not have his own motivation, the task is impossible. She will have to change.
How not to knock down settings
Even if you help a teenager develop self-control, do not forget about the negative factors that inhibit the work of the prefrontal cortex and make the limbic system even more sensitive. All efforts may be in vain if the teenager is stressed or tired. Protect him from quarrels, painful arguments and emotional showdown. Create a friendly and relaxed atmosphere at home. Try to protect your child from overvoltage.
Please note that in the company of peers, children are more likely to commit rash acts. Teenagers are very sensitive to social rewards (approval from others), so the mere presence of comrades can negatively affect self-regulation. A simple conclusion follows from this: you need to limit the time that the child spends uncontrollably with friends.
* The book "Transitional Age" provided by the publishing house "MIF"
9. If you have already managed to make mistakes in education, it will be more difficult for you than at the beginning of the journey
But if in your pupil you reveal at least a modicum of good and then rely on this good in the process of education, you will receive a key to his soul and achieve good results.
Such simple and comprehensive advice to educators can be found in old pedagogical manuals. Wise teachers persistently seek even in a poorly educated person those positive qualities, based on which you can achieve sustainable success in the formation of all others.
7. If the teenager does not want to study, the task of the parents is to give the elephant a carrot
Imagine an elephant on which a rider sits. The horseman is what we want. And the elephant is what our child can do. If the elephant does not want to move in the direction the rider wants to move, what happens? The elephant wins. Our parental task is to stand nearby and praise the elephant, offer him a carrot and, perhaps, he will slowly go forward.
If you lag behind the child - he will begin to make a choice himself. But for motivation, the child must understand that this is his decision.
8. Fives do not make a person happy
All people have different abilities. So I draw badly. I could train five hours a day and one day I would draw a beautiful elephant. But then I could not do what I do best and bring me pleasure. I would not have time for math. It happens the other way around. The child is talented in drawing, but parents put all their strength so that he gets the top five in mathematics, while ruining his talent for fine art. Will this five children be happy? Abilities need to be developed.
My husband and I, and he is also a professor of mathematics, it was not easy to accept the fact that our daughter is lagging behind in school and very poorly considers. So bad that she stayed in her second year at school. Once she told us that she was happy when she sings and takes care of animals. And God forbid.
In Holland, when they talk about their children, they say this: “I have a child, and he is beautiful!” They will not tell you how he studies and what he knows how to do. There is a child, and this is happiness.
9. People without ambition are also happy.
Just understand and accept that if you need your child to be an excellent student and in everything first, this does not mean that he needs it. It is not vital for all people to be the best and most recognized in everything. Many children are happy to do what they like and what they do, and completely happy and harmonious people grow out of them. And excellent students, constantly experiencing increased anxiety and fear of making a mistake, often do not find themselves in adulthood.
10. The school does not teach to be happy
There is one very useful exercise that helps to better understand parental tasks.
Take a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. In the left write the qualities that are needed to study well (perseverance, motivation, memory, school grades, diligence, responsibility, diligence, ability to follow the rules). And in the right - qualities that are necessary for success and happiness in life (self-confidence, health, inner harmony, emotional intelligence, communication skills). What you wrote in the right column is not taught at school. This we must pass on to our children.
The task of education is that by the age of 18 a person can be responsible for his own life.