Today, many parents are building their children almost on a pedestal. They are afraid not to use force to punish them, but to raise their voices at all. Meanwhile, you can often hear a woman complaining that the child regularly raises her hand. What should be the punishment for such an act?
Hard parenting when parent could punish the child with a belt or hit on the hands when he tried to raise his hand on them, are in the past. Obligatory obedience and submission were replaced by other methods of upbringing, where it is recommended, first of all, to take into account that the child is a person who deserves attention and respect. And as a result of such upbringing, now another extreme is increasingly appearing, when a child of 6-7 years old from a wealthy family believes that everything is allowed to him and even he can hit adults.
In many families parents trying to establish friendships with their children, it should be so. But these feelings are insidious that the child ceases to see the differences between adults and children, and begins to raise a hand on adults to force them to do what they want. Meanwhile, the child develops harmoniously and feels safe only if he sees the boundary of what is permitted and what is not.
therefore education should consist of rules that allow the child to distinguish between what is allowed and what is prohibited. A rule becomes a rule only when punishment is applied, when it is violated. That is, parents must punish these rules by punishment. This means parental words and actions must be specific and understandable.
If 7 year old child hit mom, then this is an indicator that she allowed him to act like that while he was very small. Little children are closest to nature. Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, was right when he argued that children, like no other, are characterized by innate cruelty, which can only be restrained by upbringing. And you need to start raising children with diapers.
If mom and dad in kindergarten well-intentioned to teach the child: "Do not be offended, give change to someone who offends you," then at school their son or daughter will regularly fight with someone and raise their hands to those who are weaker than him. From parental words, the child will only learn that whoever is strong is right. But you can’t advise against punishing the offender, but saying that he needs to be explained that he is behaving badly. And at the same time, the child must be made to understand that this is not cowards, but good children.
Another common parenting mistake is the so-called laissez-faire policy. Like, a child is a person that needs to be respected and he can do whatever he sees fit. Of course, it is necessary to respect the personality of the child, but it is also necessary to force self-respect. Otherwise, the child will grow up an aggressive egoist.
If a baby of 1 year beats mother, then from the outside it looks even funny, but it is the mother’s reaction to such children's tricks that determines whether the child will raise her hand further. And if a child beats his mother at 3 years old, then he will raise his hand at her and at 7 years old, since the mother had previously allowed him to beat herself. At the same time, if a baby under 3 years old beats his mother, not understanding the seriousness of his act, then a child at 7 years old beats her consciously in protest and disagreement.
Today it’s fashionable to advise that if hit child, then yelling at him and even more so giving him back is impossible. Like, these parents set a bad example. Correctly punish the child not physically, but in other ways. The purpose of the punishment should not be to humiliate the child, but to make him understand that he is wrong, to regret his bad deed and not repeat it anymore.
Experienced educators claim that giving change to kidthat hit is impossible. He does not learn any useful lesson from such punishment. They advise, if the child hit, stop playing with him for a while and go into the next room. In this case, the mother is not allowed to ignore the crying of the child, on the contrary, he needs to be pitied and explained that his parents will do this every time he hits them.
However, in our opinion, such behavior is possible only if a baby who is not yet 3 years old has hit. With them, everything is simple: it is enough to catch the child by the handle and explain to him that you can not offend your mother and hurt her. To better understand, you can stop playing with him or go to another room. If mother had done this in the past, maybe then his child at the age of 7 would not have come up with such a trick.
But if hit child 7 years oldTo behave in this way is already useless, all the more stupid to smile. In this case, the thought comes to the young head of the bully that he has done nothing wrong, and it’s normal to raise a hand to adults. So, the trick will happen again, as soon as his mother refuses something. Such behavior of the mother will only lead to the fact that she will become an object for beating to her child.
No pedagogical exhortations and persuasions can no longer rectify the situation if the child did not understand this before the age of 7. If at this age the child hit his mother, then he definitely needs to give change, as Dr. Komarovsky advises. Only in response to such a reaction, aggressive children learn to understand and begin to respect adults. If the response to the blow is anger, screaming or retaliation, the child will no longer dare to do so, fearing the reaction of his mother, but the reason that caused such a reaction will remain.
Therefore, so that it does not result in a more serious the problem, parents in the future need to constantly teach the child to keep the boundaries of what is permitted. The main thing is when you punish a child, do not behave in such a way that the child thinks that you no longer love him. Then in the future he will not be afraid to make mistakes and make vital decisions, for fear of losing the respect and love of others.
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- A way of expressing emotions. The kid at an early age does not think about his actions and will easily hit his mother if she offended him. In this way, he may try to show his grudge or show that he is sad.
- Copying aggressive behavior. The child carefully perceives everything that is around him. Very often you can see how the baby imitates not only the behavior, but even the facial expressions of his parent. If in front of a child, for example, a father raises a hand on his wife, it is not surprising that the peanut will begin to do the same. In addition, watching films with scenes of violence or even cartoons such as Tom and Jerry, Masha and the Bear, which show how some characters mock others, contributes to the formation of the permissiveness of such behavior.
- Physical abuse of the baby. If a child is beaten, it is not surprising that he himself begins to behave this way. It is possible that violence is used against him, for example, in kindergarten, it can be both kicks from classmates and slap-blows from teachers.
- Defining the boundaries of permissiveness. Perhaps the baby is simply trying to realize what can and cannot be done.
- A way to attract the attention of parents. By his actions, the little one wants to draw attention to himself, wants to be given time, to play with him.
- Excess energy. If the baby has nowhere to waste his activity, then this behavior can be a way to throw out excess physical energy.
- Feeling of uselessness. Perhaps you do not pay enough time to the child, in particular, this is observed when a new baby is born in the family. This behavior of the peanut may be a way to declare that he exists in this family.
- Manifestation of stress. This is often observed if the child’s parents often swear, their relationship is on the verge of a divorce. The child perceives everything heavily, is constantly in nervous tension.
- Disrespectful attitude to the baby. Do not be surprised at such behavior if you never take into account the opinion of the child, do not listen to his requests.
- The consequence of vigilant control. Such behavior is possible if the baby is kept within narrow boundaries, it controls every movement of it, and is forced to walk "along the line". This is a way to counter increased control.
- Over-custody. The child begins to behave aggressively towards his parents if he feels a sense of permissiveness and satisfaction of any of his whims.
Observations revealed that the causes of such behavior in children may vary depending on age. Let's look at the main ones.
- If the child is one year old and has a mother, then the main prerequisite for such behavior is the unconsciousness of his actions, the baby just has fun in this way:
- indulging in excess energy
- the study of the world, the capabilities of your body,
- way of expressing emotions
- an attempt to draw mom's attention to her person.
- If a child of 2 years beats mother, then the following reasons for this behavior are possible:
- expression of emotions, inability to control oneself correctly,
- to attract attention,
- a way to express your disagreement or discontent,
- the study of the boundaries of permissiveness.
My niece, at the age of two, began to allow herself to once again hit the aunt or grandmother in the face. This period she quickly passed. Apparently, this is how she tried to attract attention.
- The fact that a 3-year-old baby beats his mother is primarily explained by the period of opposition to everything and everything. At the age of three, it is important for a child to prove his independence, to obtain independence of his actions. If the baby raises his hand at you - this may be the result of such premises:
- a way of manifesting one’s stubbornness,
- confirmation of their innocence,
- insisting on one’s own opinion.
- A 4-year-old child most often exhibits this behavior because of an attempt to get what he wants. It can also be a manifestation of resentment.
- A 5-year-old kid will raise a hand on his mother because of such factors:
- refusal to receive the desired thing,
- requirement to attract attention
- copying other people's behavior.
Why is this happening
Fighting kids express their accumulated aggression. Many mothers notice the first attempts to do this already in half a year. The child still does not know how to speak, but already perfectly knows how to arch the back with a “wheel” and yell fiercely and rather viciously if something is not according to him. A little later, children can begin to pinch. After a year, the baby knows how to bite perfectly, and the one-year-old baby does this not out of malice, but because it is not yet able to cope adequately with negative emotions.
The most “problematic” protest age starts at 2 years, closer to three years. Here, even previously quiet and calm children can begin to show aggression and irritability.
However, the three-year-old brawler, who is used to solving problems with his teeth and fists both at home and in kindergarten, should already more seriously alert his parents. Only one age stage and petty hooliganism can not explain aggression in 2-3 years. Usually this is an insufficient development of speech, which prevents finding words to describe their feelings, a chronic lack of attention from adults, and sometimes symptoms of a nervous or psychiatric disorder.
Psychologists are almost unanimous - the main reason for children's unconscious aggression is the irritability of parents, especially mothers. According to statistics available to child psychologists, four out of ten children have at least once tried to use force against relatives, in half the cases the problem has become disastrous when the child became a real tyrant in his family.
Most often, the parents of such aggressive children complain that the baby bites, spits, and also beats adults and even throws various objects that fall into the arm.
“What to do if a child beats parents”
I want to note right away that we will talk about children under the age of 3-3.5 years. It is during this period that usually the issue of child aggression is especially acute. Why so, you can read in the topic about child aggression.
The first precedents usually occur when a one-year-old baby fights. In these situations, most often the child hits the mother. Because it’s precisely mother during this period - the person closest to him. Often this happens simply from emotions overwhelming the baby. After all, in a year a child cannot yet assess whether he hurts another. And therefore, it happens that from overwhelming emotions the child SO clings to his mother, which hurts her to tears.
In such situations, you need to understand that the child does not hurt mom specifically. Or there may be another option: the child hits his parents in the face with joy, or he just wonders how this happens.
The task of adults in this case:
1. Exact feedback. Many parents laugh when such a small child hits them. After all, often it’s not even painful, but from the outside it looks funny (like a Pug on an Elephant). But with our fun we show the child that we approve of his behavior.
And then why be surprised if such "entertainment" is fixed later? It is very important to properly demonstrate your emotions to your child. If the child hit her mother, hurt her, she should be upset, say this with the words that the child usually says when it hurts. After all, how else will he learn to understand the consequences of his actions ?!
2. Demonstration of an acceptable way of expressing emotions. We explain to the child that you can’t beat mom, but you can hug him like this, or stroke him like that. It is very important not only to prohibit, but also to give an alternative, because the child still needs to somehow express his emotions.
What to do in this situation
- If a child hits mother in the face, you must immediately explain that he has hurt you, that such behavior is unacceptable.
- If you see the baby trying to hit you, hurry to intercept his hand in time.
- If the toddler struck during the game, immediately stop this activity. If he was offended by this and hit you again, leave the room.
- If this behavior is a way to throw out the accumulated energy, then it is better to give the baby to the sports section.
- If a child strikes out of the blue, most likely he needs your attention. Ask him, maybe he wants to play, tell me how much you love him.
- If this is an attempt to set the limits of permissibility, then it is important to tell the child how to behave and how not to behave. Tell us that this behavior will be followed by punishment.
- If a child’s act is a way to respond to external physical violence, then find out who offends him. Tell us how to behave in a similar situation. If violence is used by you personally, then consider alternative methods of punishment.
- Never scold a child for such behavior. Especially if he is very small and simply does not know how to control his actions. It is important to explain everything and help the baby to realize the incorrectness of his actions.
- If a child raises a hand at you in the presence of other people, it is important that they support you, regret it, while not paying attention to the baby.
- It is important that you follow the sequence of your actions. Show your child that opening arms is unacceptable in any setting and at any time of the day.
What to do if the baby hit mom?
I so often in different formats tell what to do with it, that I was lazy and decided to write once in detail and give a link.
So, we are talking about a child between 0.5 and 3.5 years. At various points in development and growth, he begins to check the boundaries of what is permitted. In particular, in this way.Beats, tweaks, bites, pulls hair mom, dad, grandmother. As a rule, at this age, events unfold in the family circle and have not yet spread to other children.
What to do. Naturally, the recipe is not universal, but in cases when it comes to checking borders, this is enough
1. Immediately after the impact, it is important to tell the child that you are in pain and you do not want him to hit you.
2. If the strike is repeated, try to grab the hand.
3. If at this moment the child is in your arms, after the second attempt you need to lower it from your hands, again accompanying you with words that such treatment is unpleasant for you and under these conditions you will not communicate. Thus, we attach actions to words, demonstrating the essence of words with his help.
4. If the baby is crying, you can almost immediately take him back in your arms and regret it. After all, our task is not to punish and humiliate, but to explain. And with an unexpected descent from your hands, you really upset him.
5. If after you picked up the baby in your arms, the blow is repeated, again lower it from your hands, just as calmly explaining as possible what exactly suits you. It is important to find such words so that it is clear that the child is not bad, and his behavior is unacceptable.
6. Naturally, after this attempt, you don’t immediately pick up your hands. But also bring to hysteria is also not worth it. The next time you can pick it up, gently holding the baby’s arms.
7. If the child is not in the arms, it is also important, when accompanying the actions with words, to distance oneself. Those. if you played together, stop the game; if he ran up and hit - leave the room.
8. If all this happens in the presence of other family members or friends, it is important that they either do not intervene in the situation or support the mother. In this case, it is better to feel sorry for the victim, completely ignoring the offender. Such an example demonstrates to a child that such behavior is not the best way to attract attention and, most importantly, that it does not work.
9. In all of these actions, consistency is important. Those. if mother cannot be beaten, then it is impossible neither in the morning, nor in the evening, nor on the street, nor at a party, nor in any other situations. As a rule, in order to solve the problem
Classic parental mistakes when they try to cope with this behavior
1. "Give back" to lightly hit the arm in response or to spank. This is not true. After all, children copy the behavior of parents. And in this way you demonstrate to the child that a blow is a perfectly acceptable way to express your dissatisfaction. What is not possible for a child is not for mom.
2. "Pretend to cry" - this is a performance. If you do not touch the very fact of deception, then also how the mother portrays something "entertainment" in itself. Especially in a year and a half. And there is a risk that the child will continue to repeat his actions in order to see the "performance".
3. The same as paragraph 2 concerns screaming, screaming pain, etc. If the child is not afraid, then perceives what is happening as a "performance". And, perhaps, wants to repeat it.
4. Shame. "Shame on you," etc. Shame is a social measure, which, if effective for educational purposes, is much later. For kids, it's just a word.
At the beginning of the article, I wrote that this is often a check of boundaries. Naturally, in the case when the child does not see such treatment in the family. If he is beaten by himself, or one of the parents can raise his hand against the other, then he should start to change the situation with himself.
Article provided by the site "Psychological Navigator"
Komarovsky about the problem
We will consider all aspects of child aggression with Dr. Komarovsky in the next video.
Soft and democratic pedagogical measures do not work in this situation., says Evgeny Olegovich. And if they work, then in exceptional cases. This is because aggression is nothing more than instinct, one of the most powerful ancient human instincts. And it is impossible to fight instincts with any pedagogical methods.
In most situations with little brawlers, only one thing works: to answer identically. Not a single manifestation of child aggression should be left without parental attention; an adult “victim” must immediately respond to every bite or blow.
If bitten, Komarovsky advises to bite in response; if hit, do the same. Naturally, adults need to measure strength, but the answer should not be too sparing, since the child must understand from his own experience that it is painful and offensive.
Moreover, Evgeny Olegovich advises mothers to comfort as little as possible a screaming or whimpering child after this “identical answer”.
If you are interested in the question of how to deal with an uncontrollable child, see the next issue of Dr. Komarovsky on this topic.
Yevgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that retaliatory, necessarily controlled aggression cannot speak of a lack of mom's love for a child, and even vice versa.
If you love him very much, you are unlikely to want to grow a pathological personality with a sense of your own impunity and permissiveness.
The exit of emotions
Young children do not know how to control their emotions, and often during active games a child beats his mother at 2-3 years old. This is not from evil, and the baby does not want to hurt at all, just in such an affordable way he is looking for a way out of an emotional outburst. In fact, nothing bad happens, but sometimes such attacks are quite painful, and with growing up the baby will take such behavior as normal, which can cause conflicts with his peers in the playground or in the garden.
Sometimes the reason for this behavior is the parents themselves, who strive to pinch the one-year-old crumbs, mash, bite, everything naturally comes from an overabundance of feelings and surging parental love, accompanied by smiles and jokes. But the baby remembers this model of behavior, and this is the ready-made answer to the question why the child beats his mother every year.
In order not to further aggravate the situation, start with yourself, try to control your emotions and show your love for your son or daughter with hugs, kisses and gentle words, then the baby will do the same according to your example.
But if the problem already exists, it is necessary to make it clear as soon as possible that this is not worth it.
How to react if a child beats mom? To begin with, it is worth telling the baby that you do not like this behavior, while you should not scold him, because it is not he who is bad, but his act. Explain to the crumb that it is better to hug parents rather than batting, show how to do it. In the event that the child does not understand and continues to beat mom in the face, it is necessary to lower him from his arms, or to move a distance while explaining again the reason why you do not want to communicate with him.
The mistakes of inexperienced parents
Unfortunately, out of ignorance, a mother can misbehave, thereby not only not solving the current situation, but also exacerbating it.
- Do not try to shame the baby.
- Do not give change. By your actions you only confirm the permissibility of such an act. And if such behavior is aimed at attracting your attention, then your surrender will deeply injure the baby's psyche.
- Do not play a play in front of a child and pretend that you are crying. The kid will be able to bite you, will continue to beat your mother to see how she cries playfully.
After reading the article, you learned why a child could beat his mother. Your task as parents during the time to understand the causes of what is happening and solve the problem. Remember that for any disobedience it is impossible to physically punish the baby, it is important to explain to the child the incorrectness of his actions in words.
Outside of a conflict situation, in which you, according to Komarovsky’s method, gave a tough rebuff to a small aggressor, behavior towards a child should not change. Mom must remain the same kind and affectionate, always ready to help. Then, according to the well-known pediatrician, another very useful instinct will begin to form in the child - he will learn to respect older and strong ones, he will understand that pain reactions are better not to provoke, and he will also be able to draw a parallel between his pain from your bite and yours faster aggression.
Gradually, attacks on adults and peers will become less and less, and then completely disappear and be forgotten.
Often, parents, worrying about the safety of their child, are excessively strict, and limit his life to prohibitions. Being in such an environment, the baby constantly hears: you can’t, don’t go, take it, which creates psychological pressure and does not allow it to develop. And if a one-year-old child hits his mother in the face, having fun or not realizing the seriousness of his act, then a 4-year-old child hits his mother consciously out of a feeling of protest and disagreement with the established rules. In fact, this is how the baby tries to assert his right to be a child, and in some ways he is right, if you do not take into account the methods of his struggle.
If a child beats his mother in response to a comment on how to behave? Here it doesn’t play any role, what was the remark, fair or his mother just asked him not to throw toys, the baby no longer hears his parents. There should not be many prohibitions; for children under 4–5 years of age, the word “no” cannot be said more than five times. Try to find compromises, smooth out sharp corners, and make fewer comments. The reaction to the fact that the baby struck should be a dialogue, because this is exactly what the baby is missing - to be heard, listened to his opinion, taken into account his wishes. If the response to the blow is anger, or a scream or a retaliatory strike - perhaps the baby will no longer dare to do so, fearing the reaction of his parents, but the reason that caused such a reaction will remain, and may result in a more serious problem in the future. As practice shows, children who grew up in too strict families become uncontrollable at a young age.
Other ways to wean off aggression
Psychologists offer many methods. Some are based on deletion. If the baby has bitten her mother, she simply ceases to communicate with him and distances herself. And so every time a negative appears from the side of the child.
Almost all social educators and child psychologists agree that a child from a very early age needs to be taught to “pronounce” their negativity. “It saddens me because. "," I am very sorry, because. ".
In especially difficult cases, when children not only fight, but also scream hysterically, throw objects, break dishes and furniture, it is better to contact a specialist for a joint search for a solution. Sometimes a child needs medical attention.
Probably all parents, to one degree or another, were faced with the problem of aggression. The kid is angry with you, he can offend another child, hurt the animal, defiantly break the toy. The reasons for this behavior are many. It is important that it does not become fixed and does not become the main way of expressing the feelings of the child.
Exploring the reasons that contribute to the formation of aggression in childhood, many researchers (B. Kreikhi, N. M. Platonova, R. Baron, etc.) are of the opinion that the main model of such behavior is the family. The family may show coldness, indifference or hostility on the part of parents, negative assessments, suppression, disrespect for the personality of the child, emotional rejection of the child, conflict, excessive control or complete lack thereof, excess or lack of attention from the parents, prohibition of physical activity, aggressive father to mother attitude.
Inadequate family education style is considered as one of the main reasons for the child’s aggressive behavior. Studies show that parents of aggressive children are very often people who adhere to a policy of non-interference or provide too much freedom, reaching the point that they do not pay attention to the child at all
If a child in 3-4 years hits his mother with a splash of aggression, what should I do?
According to leading psychiatrists at the Moscow City University of Psychology and Education, firmly say no, backing up your actions with a child’s hand and an expressive gesture. Never give back! the child does not comprehend your "educational" method, but will do the same, imitating your behavior / L.G. Borodina, E.N. Soldatenkova / Adults need to remember that a sharp suppression of aggression, severe penalties can lead to the consolidation of negative behavior. An adult prone to severe retribution unwittingly sets a child an example of aggressiveness. It is known that children, often observing the “anger” of significant adults, adopt a form of their behavior. Lack of punishment also leads to the consolidation of aggressiveness. Psychologists H.H. Zavadenko and T.Yu. Uspenskaya (see Dubrovina I. Vsoavt. Practical Psychology of Education. M., 1998) suggest, whenever possible, to ignore the child’s provocative actions with signs of aggression (in acceptable forms) and to encourage his good behavior.
It is important to teach children to properly express their feelings, to help the child learn to respond to certain situations and environmental phenomena in an adequate form, and not to suppress their emotions. Do not evaluate the feelings of the child, do not demand that he does not worry about what is currently going through. As a rule, violent reactions are the result of a long clamp of emotions.
The baby’s nervous system is not yet perfect and any stresses in the form of family quarrels, moving, changing the regime of the day can provoke a nervous breakdown, cause him to hysteria or aggression. As a rule, aggressive children spill their negativity on those closest to them, or on those who cannot give them change. If mother understands and forgives everything, she becomes an object for whipping.
Dr. Komarovsky advises: if a child beats his mother, give him back in return, because you can not help here with any pedagogical exhortations or persuasions. According to Yevgeny Olegovich, aggression is an instinct, and in response to your controlled aggression, children learn to understand that the strong need to be respected. Perhaps the doctor is right in some ways, and if a child beats a mother of 1-5 years old, then in response, he can stop doing this, because another instinct will work - self-preservation, but aggression will remain and will seek a way out elsewhere. Having concluded that the strong need to be respected, he will understand that the weak can be offended. And then he will vent his bad mood or uncontrollable anger on children who do not know how, who do not want or cannot give change, or on animals.
You need to teach the crumbs, cope with their feelings, and if he wants to beat, crush and break - buy him a punching bag and he can let off his steam without hurting anyone. It is even better to eventually give such a kid to the sports section, where, in addition to receptions and activities, the discipline of respect for others and the prohibition on the use of force to the weak are taught.
Yevgeny Komarovsky does not undertake to analyze all the reasons that push children to aggression towards their own people, but he points out that in 99% of cases it is not a mental illness, but a lack of education. In families where the parents treat the child rationally and moderately strictly, inadequate incidents involving the child practically do not occur.
- Tantrums: advice from a psychologist
- Fights in the kindergarten
- Fights with parents
medical observer, specialist in psychosomatics, mother of 4 children
Checking the boundaries of what is allowed
Despite their character and personal qualities, children have the behavioral model that they were taught in the family. The time comes, and the children begin to probe the ground, unconsciously, but still try to check what is allowed and where is the ban.So if a child hits his mother in the face for 1 year, from the outside it looks funny, but it is the parental reaction to such attacks that determines whether the baby will do this further. And if the child beats his mother at 2 years old, then most likely he will do it at 5 years old, as the mother allowed it.
How to wean a child to beat mom?
In such a situation, it is enough to make clear that such behavior is unacceptable. To do this, you do not need to beat the baby in response, because by this, on the contrary, you are setting a bad example. Crying and screaming, just as little is possible to achieve, for a crumb this is a performance and it will provoke you more than once to look at the tears that have been played.
As child psychologists with experience advise, the only way to show the inadmissibility of fights is to stop playing with the baby for a while and go into the next room. At the same time, one should not ignore if the baby cries, on the contrary, you can feel sorry for the baby and explain why you did this, and that this will happen every time he fights.